The first, inalterable rule of dating, or as I sometimes like to call it, Desperately Trying to Get Married Because All Your Friends Are, is this: You might die alone.
Read those words, and remember them. Heed them. Learn to love them.
As dating advice goes, it’s on the bleak side, sure. But then that’s dating for you, am I right ladies? (*Runs along front row getting high fives*)
The problem with women – and possibly men too, I don’t have a lot of experience of being a man – is that we pussyfoot around this woeful truth as though it contains calories. To be clear, I’m not saying you will die alone – I’m just saying you might. As you can now see, the difference is staggering.
A question: what is so hard about accepting this?
Why must we* (*you. I have this reality stuff totally nailed) turn so vehemently away from reality? To run from any potential loneliness (operative word here being ‘potential’) is to deny any one of the myriad directions your life MIGHT take: you could win the lottery; you may travel the world; maybe one day you’ll finally have the opportunity to saddle a large dog and ride it like it’s a horse – you just never know.
All these events have the potential to happen and we don’t get to ignore one option over another simply because it scares seven shades of shit out of us.
But here’s where it gets comforting (you’re welcome): by confronting – nay, accepting – these words of wisdom, you will take the fear right out of them. This is what will happen:
You: ‘OK. I might die alone. Yes, that could happen. But will it, really? Because actually...it probably won’t. Hey, I feel better already! I am now able to find love and deal with all associated hurdles that lie therein.’
But this is what will happen if you don’t:
You: ‘OK. I might die alone. Holy fuck; I might actually never find love and instead live a long and lonely existence until I die, and the only reason anyone will find my body is because my neighbours will complain about the smell. Therefore, I must find love as a priority. I’m loading up Tinder as I speak.’
See? You have to let go of the fear, otherwise every date you go on will be nothing more than an extreme and wretched attempt to defend against this happening.
You are dating scared, therefore you are dating desperate, ergo henceforth microphone you are dating wrong. You might as well nail your vagina closed, forever.
When it comes to looking for love, the one thing that's certain is that there are no certainties.
This is because you are dealing with other people, and other people are unpredictable and won’t always tell you the truth; sometimes, they will double-bluff and bloviate about all that lovely, lovely truth they’re giving you and they will STILL BE LYING.
God, people are awful.
But back to love!
There is only constant in your relationships, and that is you, friend.
If you want to find love, you must know your own mind. You must be kind to yourself. You must trust your instincts when they are telling you to both do and do not do something. You must understand in your marrow that one person's rejection does not make you rejected, less-than, insignificant.
You are a constant in the universe, and on behalf of said cosmic force, we're glad you came.
You don’t have to die alone, and I’d assume you’d rather not, so right away you’re up as there’s only a fair to middling chance you will.
But don’t worry. I am incredibly clever and as long as you absorb and slavishly follow my advice as though you’re living in a didactic, dystopian autocracy, you will be fine.